Autism and the Cost of Being Misunderstood
How Repeated Misunderstanding Shapes Identity
(Autism Series – Part III of V)
What Misunderstanding Does to a Person
When misunderstanding happens once, it is frustrating.
When it happens repeatedly, it becomes formative.
For many autistic people, the deepest cost of living in a neurotypical world is not social awkwardness or sensory overload. It is the slow erosion of trust in one’s own perceptions — the quiet shift from “I see things differently” to “Something must be wrong with me.”
This erosion rarely happens dramatically.
It accumulates through hundreds — sometimes thousands — of small interactions: a joke that doesn’t land, a pause interpreted as rudeness, a direct question taken as confrontation. None of these moments is catastrophic in isolation. Together, they shape identity.
Misunderstanding is not just social friction.
It is psychological gravity.
Masking as Survival, Not Strategy
Most autistic adults learn early that being themselves has consequences.
They are told they are:
too intense
too literal
too sensitive
too blunt
too much
These messages are rarely delivered with cruelty. Often they are framed as advice, humor, or “help.” But repetition turns suggestion into expectation, and expectation into pressure.
Over time, many develop what is commonly called “masking” — consciously or unconsciously adjusting speech, tone, posture, facial expressions, interests, and even values to fit expectations. Masking is not always deliberate. Sometimes it is simply the body learning what feels safest.
Masking is often misunderstood as deception.
It is not deception.
Masking is survival.
It is the learned response to a repeated message:
Be different, or be excluded.
The Hidden Cost of Passing
From the outside, masking can look like success.
The autistic person is articulate.
Educated.
Functional.
Employed.
Socially acceptable.
They “don’t look autistic.”
These are often meant as compliments.
From the inside, masking is vigilance.
Am I talking too much?
Did I say that wrong?
Was that joke inappropriate?
Should I react differently?
Should I stop asking questions?
This constant internal monitoring consumes cognitive bandwidth. It is like running multiple background programs while trying to complete a primary task. The system still functions — but it overheats.
Many autistic adults reach midlife burned out, anxious, or emotionally disconnected — not because they failed to adapt, but because they adapted too well.
Passing has a cost.
And eventually, the bill comes due.
Anger Turned Inward
When communication failures are persistent, autistic people are often blamed — subtly or overtly — for the breakdown.
“You’re overthinking.”
“You’re too sensitive.”
“Why are you making this complicated?”
Over time, this blame becomes internalized.
Instead of thinking “We are different,” the thought becomes:
“I am wrong.”
Anger that might have been directed outward — at rigid expectations or chronic misunderstanding — turns inward.
Self-doubt replaces self-trust.
The person begins editing themselves before anyone else has spoken.
Correction becomes reflex rather than response.
Withdrawal Isn’t Apathy
Many autistic adults eventually withdraw — socially, emotionally, or creatively.
This is often misread as laziness, indifference, or lack of motivation.
In reality, withdrawal is frequently a protective response.
If every interaction requires translation, justification, or self-correction, disengagement becomes rational. It is not a lack of care; it is the refusal to keep bleeding unnoticed.
Silence is not always emptiness.
Sometimes it is recovery.
Diagnosis as Reorientation
For adults diagnosed later in life, learning they are autistic can be both disorienting and relieving.
It does not change who they are.
It changes how their past finally makes sense.
Moments once framed as failures become contextualized.
Traits once pathologized are reinterpreted.
Patterns that seemed random gain coherence.
The narrative shifts from *“I am broken”* to *“I was navigating the wrong map.”*
The pain does not disappear.
But confusion loosens its grip.
Coherence returns.
Reclaiming Self-Trust
Perhaps the most radical outcome of understanding autism is the reclamation of self-trust.
It means believing:
your questions are legitimate
your perceptions are real
your needs are valid
your way of being is not a flaw
Reclaiming self-trust does not require rejecting neurotypical norms or isolating oneself from society. It requires rejecting the idea that difference equals deficiency.
It is not rebellion.
It is alignment.
Why This Series Exists
This series is not an argument.
It is an invitation.
An invitation to slow down assumptions.
To replace judgment with curiosity.
To recognize that misunderstanding is often mutual — and structural.
Autistic people do not need to be fixed.
They need to be understood on their own terms.
Closing Reflection
Understanding autism is not about memorizing traits or checking boxes on a diagnostic list.
It is about listening differently.
And listening — truly listening — is an act of respect.
Jeff Brackett
Artist | Writer | Educator
Exploring the intersections of art, autism, and human connection through the ongoing creative project Lines on the Spectrum — an illustrated memoir in progress.
https://www.jeffreymbrackett.com/
Aspie Art Journey — reflections on art, perception, and creative process.
Dating App Diaries — essays on vulnerability, connection, and rediscovery.
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